Barren

The other day we went to Babies R Us to look for a new car seat for Maddie. After looking at the car seats, Maddie asked if she could look at the toys, so we made our way to that side or the store. Of course, this meant walking past all the infant seats, cribs, infant clothing, and infant bedding. I don't know what happened while I was in there, but it was the first time I felt physically sick from being surrounded by baby things. Sometimes I wonder how much more in can take.

If it's not enough to lose your second baby and not be able to get pregnant again, just wait until all your friends and even your sister-in-law go on to have their second, third, and probably fourth kids. To be honest, it utterly and completely stinks. It feels like God has abandoned you, your friends don't understand you, and your husband has forgotten.

I don't have any answers and I don't even know if there will be a "happy" ending at this point, but what I do now is they I don't think I can take much more before this heart of mine permanently breaks.

Father, Lead Me

I heard this song about a week ago and came home and looked up the lyrics. They are as follows:

      Lead Me ~Sanctus Real

     I look around and see my wonderful life
     Almost perfect from the outside
     In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
     Always smiling
     But on the inside, I can hear her saying,

     "Lead me with strong hands
     Stand up when I can't
     Don't leave me hungry for love
     Chasing dreams, what about us?

     Show me you're willing to fight
     That I'm still the love of your life
     I know we call this our home
     But I still feel alone."

     I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
     They're just children from the outside
     I'm working hard, I tell myself, "they'll be fine
     They're independent"
     But on the inside, I can hear them saying,

     "Lead me with strong hands
     Stand up when I can't
     Don't leave me hungry for love
     Chasing dreams, what about us?

     Show me you're willing to fight
     That I'm still the love of your life
     I know we call this our home
     But I still feel alone."

     So Father, give me the strength
     To be everything I am called to be
     Oh, Father, show me the way
     To lead them
     Won't you lead me?

     To lead them with strong hands
     To stand up when they can't
     Don't want to leave them hungry for love
     Chasing dreams that I could give up

     I'll show them I'm willing to fight
     And give them the best of my life
     So we can call this our home
     Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

     Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone.

After hearing this song and reading more into the lyrics, I was once again reminded of how much I need my Father to be the center of everything I do. Despite my efforts to be a good mother, wife, friend, etc., I will always fall short because of my selfish desires. However, inviting God to be a part of everything I do and asking him to literally lead me through life is the best way to insure that I set the best example I can for Madelyn. I hope and pray that, despite of my mistakes, Madelyn will learn at a young age what following God looks like and will decide to take that leap of faith herself. May God help me to "lead" her in the right direction!~

This is Only the Beginning

I decided to start blogging in order to journal my thoughts and to help keep family and friends updated with what is going on in our lives. Lately it seems a lot has been happening and it appears we will have a lot of decisions to make sooner than we were expecting (but I'll get to that later.)

As I sat down to begin my blog, I started thinking about what I wanted to call it. Of course, being a mom, the first thing that came to my mind was my beautiful daughter and what a "joy" she is to us. Then I started thinking about what joy means, which is something I have done a lot of after making "Joy" Madelyn's middle name. (Originally it was going to be "Rose" but toward the end of my pregnancy, I felt led to name her "Joy" and after meeting her for the first time, I knew that had to be her middle name!)

Anyway, after leafing through my bible, I finally found a verse that seemed to sum it up for me. The verse is Psalm 40:8 which reads, "I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart." My first thought after reading that verse was, "I wonder what it would be like to live a life with complete contentedness, always happy to be doing God's will instead of selfishly trying to follow my own plans?" Of course, I try to obey and follow God, but as anyone knows, sometimes it's easier said than done because of our own selfish desires. My prayer is that I will continue to learn more about what true joy is and that I will be able to set that example for my daughter. I hope to use this blog to document my journey, so I can look back and see how I've grown and possibly encourage others along the way.

I will write more later, detailing the new events that have been happening in our lives and the decisions that are to come for us. For how, I just wanted to take my first step into the blogging world and explain my purpose in doing so!~